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Today's jokes [2.2.13]

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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a 
substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of 
the bottle."


A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.


     Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
     material for a documentary about the way of life in the
     remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
     interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? 




     Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? 


     Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
     here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

     You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
     built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
     Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

     And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
     several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
     they don't.

     But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... 


    Are computers males or females? You decide.
   5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
   4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
   established a network connection.
   3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
   than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
   2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
   in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
   so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
   under powered system.
   1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
   have their attention.
   5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
   4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
   future reference.
   3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.
   2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
   "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
   tell you."
   1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
   half your paycheck on accessories for it.\


Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you have in the 

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."


Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he 
hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line 
busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a 
big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You 
should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." 


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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