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Today's jokes [2.19.13]

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This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help 
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I 
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a 
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," 
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. 
"Twice a day." 


A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. 
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. 

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. 

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"


Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was 
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened 
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to 
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he 
went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the 
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to 
work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you 


           What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling
   This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
   hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
   submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
    Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
    bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
    the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
    and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.
    Thank you,
                                             S. Berman


    Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
    her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
    you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
    put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
    mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
    from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
    I hope this is satisfactory.
                                             Kathy, Relief Maid


    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
    little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
    you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
    I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
    own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
    the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
    Please remove them.
                                             S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
    we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in
    your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
    was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
    I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
    inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
    not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me
    know if I can of further assistance.
                                             Your regular maid,


    Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
    called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
    service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
    accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any
    future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
    attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                             Elaine Carmen


    Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
    business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
    reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
    I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
    bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
    new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
    medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
    bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
    bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                             S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
    room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
    please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                             Elaine Carmen,

          Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
    room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
    had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                             S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
    I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
    are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
    The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my
    apologies for the inconvenience.
                                     Martin L. Kensedder
                                                   Assistant Manager


    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last
    night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars
    of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize I
    have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.
    Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                             S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
    Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
    I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken and
    the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't know
    anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy,
    did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
    plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this
    hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size
    Ivory which I left in your room.
                                             Elaine Carmen


    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
    As of today I possess:

    - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
      4 and 1 stack of 2.
    - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 3.
    - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
      stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
    - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
      stack of 2.
    - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
    - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
 neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more
 than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window
 sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
 deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
 Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
                                            S. Berman


Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he 
called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits 
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad 
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you 
calling from?" 


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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


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