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Today's jokes [2.18.13]

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"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk 
to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk 
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for 
years and years now!"

1. 




The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news
   and bad news."
   
   The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has
   just three weeks to live.
   
   "Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the
   good news."
   
   Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking
   her!"
   


2. 




An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name
legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked
"Can i help you sir?"
Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name."
"What is your current name?" asked the clerk.
"Martin Arsehole," replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a
change. What would you like your new name to be?"
"Tim." 

3. 




A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to
the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain 
announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very
bad news.  Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane
will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below
us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island
appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay
our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"
Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.
Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"

4. 




   One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
   I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
   beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
   
   After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
   you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
   wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
   used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
   half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
   
   Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
   girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
   "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
   
   Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
   the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
   about this."
   
   Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
   
   "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
   he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
   half-sister."
   
   His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
   says, dear. He's not really your father."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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