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Today's jokes [2.17.13]

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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.  He finally gets
himself to the doctor.  He says, "How bad is it doc?  I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week."  So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together.  It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This was the first time he ever
saw them.  She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at
this, it's still in the CRATE !"

1. 




What's another term for cunnilingus? 

Genital Slurpees. 

2. 




Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what? 

3. 




Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says:
"Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian
slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. 
I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,
"please pass the salt," but instead I said,
"You god damn bitch, you ruined my life." 

4. 




A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places
his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir,
this is a clock shop not a cock shop." 

"Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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