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Today's jokes [2.15.13]

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Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year
old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San
Francisco to Washington. 

"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you
and raped you!" 

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him
down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to
Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for
sexually transmitted diseases." 

1. 




Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde - she is eighteen.



2. 




 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal
check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.
Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, 
pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting
her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a
bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?", the other two enquire
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and
she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a
bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?" ask the other two..
"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."



3. 




The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks 
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get 
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take 
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave 
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the 
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to 
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to 
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live 
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one 
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, 
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled 
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow 
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the 
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." 

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to 
"speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for 
his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask 
questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught 
up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and 
hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, 
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, 
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

4. 




An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist 
attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers
American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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