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Today's jokes [2.13.13]

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(you have to bring your own) 


Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
   inside of her.
   "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
   perform a very long and delicate operation."
   "I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace
   the batteries?"


Santas Diversion

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was
awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed
and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents
you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining
clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please
reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

Sent by Neicey


   The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of
   work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was
   looking to get married.
   As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug
   store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough
   birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored
   douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you
   don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?"
   She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."


At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded 
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any 
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. 
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, 
followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't 
win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at 
this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the 
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times 

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- 

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making 
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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