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Today's jokes [2.11.13]

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How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?

Take them out their wheelchair.

1. 




An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."

2. 




A Duck walks into a bar. 

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any 
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail 
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?  

Sent by Duncan

3. 




These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day 
Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some 
sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larry
went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin 
and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and 
finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong 
reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told 
Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it 
feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, 
Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

4. 




A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much
in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,
Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus."
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?"
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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