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Today's jokes [2.10.13]

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A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a box!

1. 




Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.
His mate asked him what it was like.
"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home
and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they
let you fuck their women whenever you want."
"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians
were real pricks."
"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

2. 




During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across 
the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing 
along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The 
commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run 
up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general 
stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to 
investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be 
seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find 
out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, 
too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.

But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and 
cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's 
hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

3. 




"What's the difference between the North American porcupine 
and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the 
zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a 
longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who 
stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo 
manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate 
choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the 
North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their 
pricks are just about the same size."

4. 




Death row sing along

There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death 
by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards 
were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, 
he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something 
special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he 
wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it 
over with." 
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the 
guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I 
would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time 
through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go 
ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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