Today's stories [12.23.13]
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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt
down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and
the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you
that pisses me off.
by Stephen King
A Contender for the Darwin Awards
(Courtesy of the Japan Times -April 16, 1997)
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping", a
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak
had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a
standard bicycle pump," he explained, inserting the nozzle far up their
rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This
act is a sin against God."
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot
pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to
friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby
gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he
snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube
deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died
virtually instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought
she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities. "When
that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan," the
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital concluded. "Inflate your
tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt
There's a new church that opened recently in Southern California. It's
called "The Church of the Divine Helping".
Communion is an all-you-can-eat affair. They focus on prayer breakfasts,
community brunches, business outreach lunches, ladies teas, and (of
course) potluck dinners. The church's motto:
"God helps those who help themselves."
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