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Today's jokes [12.8.13]

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One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
spotted owl." 

1. 




Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

2. 




Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?






A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

3. 




Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.


4. 




Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting
like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and
asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,
Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away
in Chicago."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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