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Today's jokes [12.30.13]

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Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

Diary Entries AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here. OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here. DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Ohio. DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow. DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole. DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full 10" of snow is? DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one right over his Fuckin' Head! JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the roads? MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most" The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?" "I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount." "OK, I wish for a billion dollars" "Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion" "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything" "Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish" The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.