Today's jokes [12.3.13]

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the 
dog up and has a good look at its eyes. 
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" 
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. 
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

An academic problem

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, 
and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk 
toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the 
girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite 
amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close 
enough for all practical purposes."

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.  She has a parrot 
on her shoulder.  Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have
on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."  Guy says:  "An alligator?"  Woman 
says: "Close enough"

   This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
   each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
   has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
   
   The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
   the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
   ducks.
   
   They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
   go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
   
   The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
   The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
   
   "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
   
   "How's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
   "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
   
   Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
   
   "Dewey" came the answer.
   
   "So how's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
   I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
   
   So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
   Louie"
   
   "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
   fucking day!"
   

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody



This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was 
Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everbody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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