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Today's jokes [12.27.13]

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When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several
bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the
victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he
barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few
minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when
you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

1. 




During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

2. 




Two farmers were talking at the general store. One farmer says to the 
other, "Did you hear about that new variety of corn called Perot corn?" 
The second farmer replies,"No I ain't." The first farmer says, "Yeah, it's 
a big yielding variety. The stalk don't grow too big, but the ears are 
tremendous!"

3. 




Q: What's 18 inches long, black, and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: A stethoscope.


4. 




Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the
largest animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen 
bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE 
don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too 
late;  George, dig her out."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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