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Today's jokes [12.26.13]

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How do a jewish couple have oral sex?

... "SET AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BED AND YELL SCREW YOU TO 
ONE AND OTHER"

Sent by Ivan

1. 




What is the most insensitive part of a penis? 

    - The man 

2. 




   A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
   wants to show her
   daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open
   up and talk about
   dating boys and what it's like for her.
   Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting
   intimate with young
   men?
   Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
   care if intimacy
   isn't working for me.
   Mom: How?
   Daughter: Oh, stuff....
   Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for
   mothers and daughters to
   talk about these matters...
   Daughter: I don't know.....
   Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
   dating boys was
   like for me, believe I remember
   Daughter: Really?
   Mom: Really...
   Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your
   eyes?
   


3. 




On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

4. 




Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic?  They are the company
that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you exit a
department store.  I used to work for a department store and the is what
we did.

Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper.  It is about an inch
long and about half an inch wide.  This is the "thingy" (that is the technical
word for it) that sets off the alarm.  This "thingy" is easy to insert into
a pen case, lining of a jacket ...

We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems wearing a
particular jacket to work.



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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