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Today's jokes [12.23.13]

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Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."


Sent by JC

1. 




   Pope Dies
   The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
   reception committee, and
   after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad
   recreations available.
   He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
   the Holy Scriptures, and
   spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a
   linguistic master, he
   sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the
   Bible, working back
   from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
   All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
   running to him, only to
   find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
   "An 'R'! They left out
   the 'R'."
   God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
   is. After collecting
   his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was
   supposed to be
   CELEBRATE!"
   


2. 




A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says,  "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

3. 




   One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
   road when they
   saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
   One of the men
   turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
   with her." To their
   surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
   take you up on
   that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
   companion 'good
   night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
   to bed. The following
   morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
   money."If you
   don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
   saying, "I'd like to see
   you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
   a summons
   ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
   to his atorney and
   explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
   possibly get a judgment
   against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
   case will be
   presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
   court as follows:-
   Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
   property, a garden spot
   surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
   rent to the Defendant
   for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
   Defendant took
   possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
   which it was rented, but
   upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
   amount. The rent was by
   no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
   Judgment be
   granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
   Defendant's lawyer was
   impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
   His defense was,
   therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
   present it.
   Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
   property,that he did rent
   such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
   the transaction.
   However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
   his stones,
   erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
   personally. We claim
   these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
   unpaid amount and that the
   plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
   rental of the said
   property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
   The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
   agrees that the
   Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
   improvements such as my
   opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
   existed, he would
   not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
   Defendant removed
   his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
   doing, he not only
   dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
   the cleaning up, but
   he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
   making it very easily
   accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
   granted.
   SHE GOT IT!
   


4. 




for you girls...

Why is 88 better than 69?

You get 8 twice.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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