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Today's jokes [12.21.13]

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What is a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard.

1. 




What do jello and a woman have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. 




A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly
screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp
washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.  As a
consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.  But, he
cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her
ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes
her first wish.  The first wish was for a billion dollars.  The genie grants
her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar
bills.  The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of
10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The
second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private
beach.  In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that
her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie
that she wants to make the last wish.  But, before she can do this, the
genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten
times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.  For my last wish...

"Id like to give birth to twins".

3. 




A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing 
aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can 
hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a 
conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes 
after two." 

4. 




What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

The Spice Girls!

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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