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Today's jokes [12.16.13]

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   A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
   the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
   Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
   afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
   Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
   on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
   of the farmer's price range.
   Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
   Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
   to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
   out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
   and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
   get them pregnant."
   Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
   Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
   So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
   the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
   that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
   next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
   drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
   around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
   back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
   and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
   his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
   Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
   Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
   of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."


If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites
off my roosters feet, what do you have? 

    Two feet of my cock in your ass. 


Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he 
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date 
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. 
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might 
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went 
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind 
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a 
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark 
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would 
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be 
ready Thursday," he said calmly.


A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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