Today's jokes [12.15.13]
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I
was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one
*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you
don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say
they are orbiting.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the
*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them
all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much
population stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.
*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
*Clouds are high flying fogs.
*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up
your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history.
He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing
where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all
on borrowed money.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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