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Today's jokes [12.12.13]

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A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got 
your bloody ball!"

1. 




What's the difference between women and men? 

     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness. 

2. 




AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:

-  Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

-  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  
   Not if you are the groom.

-  When dancing, never remove undergarments; 
   no matter how hot it is.

-  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds 
   may get you cut.

-  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only 
   cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

-  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit 
   with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can 
   create a nice appearance.  Though uncomfortable, 
   say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

3. 




This is not meant to be crude.  It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers.  Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."  Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".



4. 




Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was 
showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned 
to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives 
flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. 
Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' 
says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" 

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women 
are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from 
their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting 
with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling 
shriek!

"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. 

"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..." 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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