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Today's jokes [11.9.13]

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Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
A: Straight through the rib cage.


1. 




What does an elephant keep up its trunk?

A Yard 'n' half o' snot!


2. 




A lady was in a hardware store looking at a 
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how 
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the 
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the 
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' 
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone 
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she 
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That 
will be 20.00' 
'But you said 10.00' 
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.

3. 




TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
   Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
   heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
   just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
   explains that he must not be in tune
   with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
   is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
   So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
   walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
   can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
   go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
   the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
   is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
   care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
   don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
   wife is jumping up and
   down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
   am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
   The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
   stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
   this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
   explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
   financial needs as a Man!!!"
  
   TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
   What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
   Oregon-California border.
   LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
   LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
   MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
   DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
   MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
   FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
   RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
   HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
   PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
   WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
   SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
   BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
   MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
   MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
   DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
   LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
   KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
   SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
   MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
   MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
   PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
   ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
   RANDOM ACCESS
   MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
   wife asks
   MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.


4. 




Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.

One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!" 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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