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Today's jokes [11.8.13]

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A guy's fingering his girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."
He says, "That's not my ring...It's my wristwatch." 

1. 




John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John 
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is 
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, 
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a 
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have 
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

2. 




Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as
her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend
Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the
one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one
who poisoned you." 

3. 




Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man 
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the 
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

4. 




Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was 
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened 
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to 
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he 
went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the 
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to 
work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you 
yesterday?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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