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Today's jokes [11.5.13]

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Playgirl Rejection Letter



November 30, 1995


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

        We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly 
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

        We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

        When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

        To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100.  We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

        The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over 
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"

        The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"

        We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your 
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary.  We do, however, 
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.  Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to 
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely 
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in 
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.



1. 




Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good
looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a
pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"

2. 




    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
   for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
   and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
   The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
   what it did to me!"
   The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
   Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
   hike."
   The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
   over in the corner. I won't bother you."
   The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
   over!"
   So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
   rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
   around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
   coop."
   The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
   to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
   They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
   and the old rooster takes off running.
   About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
   They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
   about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
   The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
   grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
   He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
   this week!"


3. 




   Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
   The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
   One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
   shit?"
   


4. 




His And Hers ATMs

HIS: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Insert card 
3. Enter PIN number and account 
4. Take cash, card and receipt 

HER: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 
3. Shut off engine 
4. Put keys in purse 
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 
6. Hunt for card in purse 
7. Insert card 
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written 
on it.
9. Enter PIN number 
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 
11. Hit "cancel" 
12. Re-enter correct PIN number 
13. Check balance 
14. Look for envelope 
15. Look in purse for pen 
16. Make out deposit slip 
17. Endorse checks 
18. Make deposit 
19. Study instructions 
20. Make cash withdrawal 
21. Get in car 
22. Check makeup 
23. Look for keys 
24. Start car 
25. Check makeup 
26. Start pulling away 
27. STOP 
28. Back up to machine 
29. Get out of car 
30. Take card and receipt 
31. Get back in car 
32. Put card in wallet 
33. Put receipt in checkbook 
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 
36. Check makeup 
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive 
39. Drive away from machine 
40. Travel 3 miles 
41. Release parking brake

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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