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Today's jokes [11.30.13]

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Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister  comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that
sheep  a beating.  You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I 
tried to mount her!

1. 




An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to 
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed 
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

2. 




Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? 

                       Because they all have phones. 

3. 




One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

4. 




What is the definition of ultimate rejection? 

     Your hand falling asleep while masturbating. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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