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Today's jokes [11.28.13]

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   A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on
   Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding
   his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland
   State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed,
   except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles
   further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases
   his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and
   the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.
   
   After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration,
   he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when
   you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing
   that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to
   do that ?
   
   The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and
   softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a
   Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back."


1. 




Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken


Sent by Robbie

2. 




Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

    -She blew them both... 

3. 




Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
   who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
   weeks leave in which to get married.
   
   "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
   married then ?"
   
   "What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.


4. 




A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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