Today's jokes [11.24.13]
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Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen."
A man and wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I
don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in
a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now,
show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open
your mouth and show the dentist which tooth
it is, dear."
One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor
that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just
wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of
100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of
these pills then he would have sex with you."
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his
dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day
she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put
two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his
dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy
walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid
said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts
and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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