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Today's jokes [11.18.13]

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Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their 
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain 
and the top is down! 


   A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
   working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
   So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
   the bees.
   He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
   He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
   He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to
   tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
   The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
   knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know
   about sex?"
   "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


                                 Bad Jokes
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program.  You probably haven't heard most of them.  Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh!  Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!


Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they
will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play
all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker
with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here
that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..." 


Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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