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Today's jokes [11.13.13]

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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to 
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she 
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of 
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the 
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything 
to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if 
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"


A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date


                        Best Analogies Ever Written
                             Originally from a
                          Washintgon Post Contest
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest.  (Actually most of them are similes --but... whatever)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.


Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.


What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum???

Answer:  The position of the dirtbag!


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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