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Today's jokes [10.8.13]

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself."  The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."



1. 




   If you are unsure of what "shagging" means, [1]this list may help. LD
   
   A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all
   he visits a Cornish farmer.
   
   "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
   
   "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
   boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
   
   "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the
   Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
   
   "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"
   
   "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
   boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
   
   "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do
   it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets
   a farmer from Abergaveny.
   
   "So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the
   hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the
   front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."
   
   "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them
   over a wall like everyone else?"
   
   "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
   


2. 




These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 
again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 
partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

3. 




A woman participating in a survey was asked
how she felt about condoms. 

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." 

4. 




How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? 

    You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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