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Today's jokes [10.4.13]

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Presidential Election'2000

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of
Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and
murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute 
who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a 
brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own 
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would 
be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to 
prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,
and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to
be totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted
for Bush?

Signed,
Worried about my reputation

1. 




"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your 
husband say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "

2. 




This joke has been done 50 (yes, 50) years ago by my father-in-law.

First, a little background:

He lived in a small village, north-west of Quebec City along the St-Laurent
river. In those days, toilets were located outside the house in what
we call in good ol' french canadian 'becosse', from 'back house' I think.
These are a little wood shack with no floor over a hole in the ground
where you ... You can guess.

Now, for the joke:

He and a friend were thrown out of a party by the doorman.

When it was really dark,, the doorman went to investigate what was
knocking at the window. They had suspended a rock to the window
frame so it hung right it the middle and tied another string
to the rock and hid behind the 'becosse' where they pulled
that second string to make the rock knock in the window.
That's an old trick. The doorman wouldn't fall for that one. So
he followed the second string in the dark
and soon concluded that they were hidding behind the 'becosse'.

He ran toward the merely visible wood structure...

But my father-in-law and his friend had taken care of moving the
shack six feet ... Boy he fell in the shit !!
  


3. 




A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.  The brunette said
that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head
and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.  The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"


4. 




    A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
   for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
   travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can
   get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to
   the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
   Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
   cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
   buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
   The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now
   book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug
   store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
   Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
   you keep doing it?"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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