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Today's jokes [10.30.13]

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The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"

1. 




A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in
your purse. I'm done." 

2. 




                      Letter from Daughter to Parents
     
   
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant,  I am  not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Yours-
        Your Loving Daughter
  


3. 




This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling

Date: 1999/03/04
Author: briang68g@gearthlink.net

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name 
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. 
They kept  punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they 
punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' 
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap 
monkeys.  I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all 
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It 
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real 
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want 
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change 
them every  30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so 
it didn't all  go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in 
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor 
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. 
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen 
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.

4. 




A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
street between their establishments. 

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe. 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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