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Today's jokes [10.3.13]

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A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."

1. 




   Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a
   divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge,
   wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
   
   "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !"


2. 




Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. 
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one 
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

3. 




A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home." 

4. 




On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate
the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But
it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and
fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,
staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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