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Today's jokes [10.28.13]

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Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he 
hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line 
busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a 
big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You 
should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." 


1. 




A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

2. 




A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental 
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a 
good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to 
fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

3. 




Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



    As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man.  His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five
    points.
3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
4.  How about a forehead?  If not, add another three points.
5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
6.  Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten
    points.
7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
9.  Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're
    normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
    an apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  Three points.

Scoring
  0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
               bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
               have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
               fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California, no one
               will notice.
 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
               avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
               you away.
 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should consider
               a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
               place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
               instead.



4. 




A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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