Today's jokes [10.21.13]
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Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local
bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear
about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up
the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's
me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of
my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking arse."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied,
"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
This one hasn't come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net. I'm
led to the sad conclusion that the tradition has died.
In the mid '70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons \&
Dragons (tm) players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series
of "glitter traps." Example: joke subject sits at a desk, pulls out a
drawer. A string runs from the back of the drawer, up the wall, into
the false ceiling, over to a spot directly over the subject's head,
where it triggers the trap: a mousetrap whose action snaps a card away
from its position covering a funnel, releasing a handful of glitter,
which flows down the funnel, through its spout, through a hole in the
ceiling acoustic tile, onto the subject. It was wonderful to watch: a
muffled snapping noise, a quiet "chuff," and the slow, glittery descent
of a cloud of brightly colored dust, to settle over the head and
shoulders of a club member who by now has assumed an expression of
Another, more short-lived ploy was to suspend a wooden horseshoe by a
string from the ceiling in the corridor, such that the horseshow
dangles a couple of inches above the top of an upright broom. Most
conventional brooms will stand on their straws with a little coaxing.
We attached a sign labeling the horseshow "wood magnet." Quite a few
people took it at face value.
Mr.Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.
One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy
when to the policeman and she said"Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then
the policeman look at her then he said "What are you
talking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting"
Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but how
did you know my name?"
Are You About to Employ a Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology
Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are
recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a
Liberal Arts major.
Tear off here, and administer test below to students
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to _____
0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
4. My favorite hobby is _____
0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
5. I have taken ______ English classes.
0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with
Cray 2 Supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
8. In between classes, I like to _____
0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on
9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____
0) My manual typewriter
1) The school's word processor
2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is _____
0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
17. My favorite Movie show is _____
0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
0) Write it on my arm
1) Derive it during test
2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have_____
0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is _____
0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water
Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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