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Today's jokes [10.19.13]

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Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told
to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are
under their wives control and they other for those that control
their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are
nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!" 


Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're
sitting on the examination table telling him about your
symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a
little further away?


Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?

A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it


The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat.  The model said, "Driver, I don't 
have time to wait for road service.  Can you change it yourself?"  
The driver said, "Sure."  He got out of the car and proceeded to change 
the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.  The model saw him 
struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"  
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."


Why I Fired My Secretary 

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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