Today's jokes [1.7.13]
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"How can I believe in God when just last week I got
my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
by Woody Allen.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy
a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd
still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000
pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw
enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the
space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast
to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters,
but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread
only works with their toasters.
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it
on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to
legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a
One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been
assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this
happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you
wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was
assaulted until the check bounced."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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