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Today's jokes [1.5.13]

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    A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
   for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
   travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can
   get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to
   the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
   Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
   cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
   buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
   The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now
   book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug
   store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
   Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
   you keep doing it?"


How Shit Happens

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.


On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:
Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?
Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.
The guy thinks for a minute and says:
Well, what about the last date?


"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door. 
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,
he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the
chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"


A police officer arrives at an accident scene where
apparently three blondes have leaped to their death
from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:
"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out
of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to
try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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