Today's jokes [1.4.13]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
God Meets Bureaucracy
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at
the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first
place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about
thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball
of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a
building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the
time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness
"Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters
bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over
the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and
the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six
days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would
be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
Two English sheep in a field.
One says to the other "I'm not feeling very well"
The other turns around and replies
"Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you'll get us all killed"
Sent by paully
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time
while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe
took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly.
"Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his
still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went
ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"
Millennia Year Application Software System
This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the
program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has
already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
out of MYASS."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31