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Today's jokes [1.30.13]

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When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.

"Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas." 
"How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.  
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."



1. 




A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always
comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for
some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always
pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone 
up'.



2. 




At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your 
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic 
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the 
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the 
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to 
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they 
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be 
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, 
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"

3. 




An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

4. 




   Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
   service, and she's in tears.
   
   He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
   
   She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
   last night."
   
   The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
   have any last requests?"
   
   She says, "That he did, Father..."
   
   The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
   
   She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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