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Today's jokes [1.26.13]

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the 
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself 
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his 
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several 
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit 
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it 
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age 
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, 
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to 
lose my fucking arse."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. 
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied,
"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."


The boy asks his dad:
"What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?"

The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a
crotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy',
everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'" 


This one hasn't come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net.  I'm
led to the sad conclusion that the tradition has died.

In the mid '70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons \&
Dragons (tm) players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series
of "glitter traps."  Example: joke subject sits at a desk, pulls out a
drawer.  A string runs from the back of the drawer, up the wall, into
the false ceiling, over to a spot directly over the subject's head,
where it triggers the trap: a mousetrap whose action snaps a card away
from its position covering a funnel, releasing a handful of glitter,
which flows down the funnel, through its spout, through a hole in the
ceiling acoustic tile, onto the subject.  It was wonderful to watch: a
muffled snapping noise, a quiet "chuff," and the slow, glittery descent
of a cloud of brightly colored dust, to settle over the head and
shoulders of a club member who by now has assumed an expression of
appreciative resignation.

Another, more short-lived ploy was to suspend a wooden horseshoe by a
string from the ceiling in the corridor, such that the horseshow
dangles a couple of inches above the top of an upright broom.  Most
conventional brooms will stand on their straws with a little coaxing.
We attached a sign labeling the horseshow "wood magnet."  Quite a few
people took it at face value.


A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did
not admit Jews.
 The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no
room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies."  The desk clerk
stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews.  Now if you will try the other side of town..."
 Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your religion."
 The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary
in a little town called Bethlehem."
 "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
 Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
 "That's right," said the hotel clerk.  "And why was he born in a
 Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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