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Today's jokes [1.19.13]

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                           The College Food Chain
     
   
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
  


1. 




Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?

A. She got her finger caught in a dike!



2. 




What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

3. 




   Great A Hot & Juicy Story

   Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
   day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
   tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
   ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
   So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
   sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
   your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
   Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
   "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
   fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
   French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
   Quarter-Pounder.
   She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
   enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
   McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
   at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
   freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
   mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
   I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
   supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
   "Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
   wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
   down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
   pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
   of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
   "Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and
   finger lickin' good, too!"
   She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
   "No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
   Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
   Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
   She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
   the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and
   out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
   Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
   name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
   Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
   taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
   her oven.
   Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
   little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!


4. 




   Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how
   tough their fathers were.
   
   "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
   
   "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
   that!" Tommy said.
   
   "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
   in 10 years... so lick that!"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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