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Today's jokes [1.17.13]

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What is six inches long, has a bald head, and
drives blondes crazy? 

A hundred dollar bill. 

1. 




During an Army war game, a commanding officer's
jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men
lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck. 

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way." 

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."


2. 




There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

"don't" and "stop". 

3. 




The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him 
to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very 
loud voice,  "Free bus to the hotel Astor!"  On the way to the 
station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus 
to the hotel Astor,  Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he 
memorized it letter perfect.  

Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at 
all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.
"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the 
Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I 
mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust 
your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."

4. 




How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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