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Today's jokes [1.11.13]

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The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."


On Jeopardy...

TREBEK: The category is "Political Subversion".  The answer is: This
entity is dedicated to the destruction of religion, morality, and the
American way of life.
PLAYER: What is the KGB?
TREBEK: Be more specific.
PLAYER: What is PBS?
TREBEK: Right!


   One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
   discover a
   female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
   gained the
   mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
   mouse repeated
   his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
   excited by this,
   was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
   his wife but
   before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
   head with the
   blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
   you about this."
   "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with


   Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that
   an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no
   other animal in the world does this.
   Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
   "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
   "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.
   The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
   "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK
   OFF!", the dog ate him!"


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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