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Today's jokes [9.8.12]

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The following statements were found on patient's charts
   during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
   written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
   a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
   "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
   "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
   "The skin was moist and dry."
   "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
   "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
   1989 when she got a divorce."
   "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
   ran out of gas and crashed."
   "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
   therapy."
   "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
   who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding
   started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
   "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
   "She is numb from her toes down."
   "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
   "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
   The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
   stockbroker instead."
   "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
   "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
   family in no distress."


1. 




You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

2. 




Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

3. 




A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. 
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could 
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for 
only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from 
Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots 
of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people 
decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, 
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply 
again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. 
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the 
cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the 
cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all 
day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi 
what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our 
cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left 
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the 
right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow 
from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said 
we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

4. 




A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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