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Today's jokes [9.6.12]

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   An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They
   were in bed
   getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I
   should tell you I have
   acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute
   tits.
   


1. 




Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a 
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She 
opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person 
looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.
"You dumbass -- that's ME!

2. 




   Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
   Farmer: This dog don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
   Dog: Doin alright
   Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Dog: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
   takes me to the lake once a week to play.
   Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
   Farmer: Horses don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
   Horse: Cool.
   Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Horse: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
   me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
   elements.
   Farmer: (total look of amazement)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
   Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
   sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
   


3. 




A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after
arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone
rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

4. 




Tombstone Epitaph
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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