Today's jokes [9.5.12]
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach
notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman
approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No
says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a
while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever
been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her
delight. After onother while the irishman approaces her
and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?. she says no. 'Well
you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they
would never have anything to do with women again. They
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as
far north as they could go and never look at a woman
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur
around the hole. The guyssaid "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no
women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you
don't use themI'll refund your money next year. "Okay,"
they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"I caught him in bed with my board."
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
Virgin on the ridiculous.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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