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Today's jokes [9.5.12]

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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach 
notice a mermaid sitting on a rock.  The Englishman 
approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No 
says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a 
while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever 
been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her 
delight.  After onother while the irishman approaces her 
and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?.  she says no. 'Well 
you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened. 
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. 
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. 
"Face sticky." 


These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they 
would never have anything to do with women again.  They 
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as 
far north as they could go and never look at a woman 

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told 
him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one 
year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each 
one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur 
around the hole.  The guyssaid "What's that board for?"  
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no 
women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"  The 
trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you 
don't use themI'll refund your money next year.  "Okay," 
they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said 
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."  
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a 

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.


"I caught him in bed with my board."


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.


What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Virgin on the ridiculous.


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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