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Today's jokes [9.4.12]

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A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!" 

1. 




An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the
nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".
"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

2. 




There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely 
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically 
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, 
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless 
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the 
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the 
bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck 
all about shark fishing."

3. 




Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?" 

4. 




                       The Technologically Challenged
     
   
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
   was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
   be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
   that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
   (5-1/4") diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
   failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
   had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
   to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
   back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
   hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
   across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
   to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
   in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
   responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
   He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
   printer."  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
   face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
   her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
   plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
   the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
   pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
   mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
   brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
   plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
   happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
   she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire  SysOp:
   Caller: "Hello, is this  Tech Support?"
   Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
   Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
            warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
   Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
   Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
   Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
            Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
            How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
            on it?"
   Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
            promotion.  It just has '4X' on it."
   At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
   couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
   using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
   snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
   for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
   put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
   squeezed it in.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
   even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
   meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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