Today's jokes [9.29.12]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street 
corner for 15 cents a glass.  He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the 
ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest 
and get stomach aches.  His eventual response:

   "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give
you two dollars.  Everybody wins."

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.
He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive  
woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose.  He 
was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve 
to ask her for a dance. 

"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!" 

 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to
watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels
on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she
can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to
watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,
they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the
same things.
This is what is sounded like:
And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...Out...In...Out...and
yes, the baby is born!

   A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
   working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
   
   So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and
   the bees.
   
   He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
   
   He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......
   
   He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to
   tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
   
   The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
   knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know
   about sex?"
   
   "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
   

How do you make a cat drink?

1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix then serve

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   September '12 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30