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Today's jokes [9.28.12]

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in 
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The 
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's 
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. 
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the 
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being 
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we 
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We 
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss 
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

1. 




At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to 
change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know 
there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my 
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

2. 




It has been determined that having sex before participating
in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not
impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known
and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance
at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

3. 




"The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed
so they felt Grumpy instead....."


4. 




   The Freudian Slip

   Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
   the train tickets to go
   see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
   little funny. John
   said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
   a few more sips
   of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
   something he didnít
   mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
   a name for that isnít
   there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
   are trying to say
   something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
   said Ted, I couldnít
   think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
   Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
   for Pittsburg, and the girl
   selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
   money and laid it on the
   counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
   to embarrassingly
   say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
   out of me. You ever
   done anything that stupid?
   ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
   I...gosh, I guess
   weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
   was reading the
   paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
   pass me the
   sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
   life.'"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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