Today's jokes [9.28.12]
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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know
there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
It has been determined that having sex before participating
in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not
impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known
and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance
at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
"The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed
so they felt Grumpy instead....."
The Freudian Slip
Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
the train tickets to go
see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
little funny. John
said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
a few more sips
of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
something he didnít
mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
a name for that isnít
there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
are trying to say
something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
said Ted, I couldnít
think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
for Pittsburg, and the girl
selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
money and laid it on the
counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
out of me. You ever
done anything that stupid?
ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
I...gosh, I guess
weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
was reading the
paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
pass me the
sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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