Today's jokes [9.23.12]
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
A blond walks into a bar.
One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a - - hole.
Is There a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her
wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None
of the other women in the office even noticed.
Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so
warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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