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Today's jokes [9.22.12]

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Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet,
having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get
to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything
dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.
"Womb!", Little Johnny says.
"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies
come from?" she asks.
"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're
screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!" 

1. 




   A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
   the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
   
   The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
   a dog can't do everything."
   
   The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
   A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
   everything, damn it!"
   
   The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
   the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
   
   The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
   doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
   ... I'll try a centipede."
   
   He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
   
   Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
   All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
   The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
   He's absolutely amazed.
   
   He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
   
   Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
   been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
   sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
   most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
   everything."
   
   He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
   "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
   
   The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
   later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
   
   The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
   been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
   Charlie!
   
   The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
   away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
   
   He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
   right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
   minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
   the story?!"
   
   The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
   ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
   


2. 




The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided  the only option was to
burn all of the Marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana 
was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud. 
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
issue a report that read:  Not a Tern was left unstoned.



3. 




The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per
ounce."

"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want
something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...


"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"


4. 




   German Shepard on Golf Course
   
   A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when
   his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.
   Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their
   relationship had been purely platonic.
   They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse
   where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.
   Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran
   up and threw a bucket of water on them.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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